Military Blues: Lonely Nights


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Lonely Nights with the Military Blues

Military Blues Lonely Nights

During all the deployments that I go through, I face one giant reality. I am alone with my military blues. I have my children, I have some friends, I have my work. My husband’s family and mine are in other areas of the country. There is a Family Readiness Group for my husband’s command, but because of past experiences, I elected many years ago to not participate in these groups. Some things work for others that may not work for you. That is what I have learned.

It isn’t easy keeping it together when you’re in a constant state of your own thoughts. I don’t have time to attend to these thoughts during the day. It is at night, after the children are put to sleep, the phone has stopped ringing, and my DVR has already provided me all the entertainment it can. I close my book and turn off the lamp. I dread climbing up the stairs to my bedroom.

Military Blues Happen Where My Husband Is

Two rooms contain my husband; the garage and the bedroom. Located within them are his things. Looking at them serves as a reminder to what is missing in my life. It isn’t until the trip is made to either place, that I feel that loss. I have known people who don’t sleep in their own beds during a deployment. The space is too great and they get no sleep. I force myself to sleep in my bed, mainly because I refuse to give in. However, I will not say the quality of sleep I receive is better than a nap on the couch. I might add, it has nothing to do with the quality of the bed or the couch.

Filling the Time In Between

I fill my husbands side of the bed with pillows. It helps me to fill the space during my military blues. I only wish I could say it keeps me from tossing and turning. Some people fill that space with their children. I just don’t enjoy getting kicked all night by crazy sleepers. Closing my eyes, the thoughts rush in, like waves on rough seas, violent and unpredictable. They consist of longing, sorrow and what I can only describe as a certain depth of mourning. No death has happened, the loss however, is on the same relative scale. When you fill up your days, you sleep at night, what do you do with the time in between?

~Amanda

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