Military Blues: Traumatized

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Traumatized Military Blues

Military Blues Traumatized

Life moves at such a high rate of speed when things are going smooth. Then one day you wake up to endure the most devastating trauma. Your beautiful mirror is shattered into a million pieces and you no longer recognize the fragmented mess you see before you. No one understands, but everyone is sympathetic. You say thank you to the heartfelt wishes and simply wish that you could just wake up when it is all over.

My Military Blues Trauma

I am feeling this trauma. I am this fragmented mess; shattered and broken. I thank you in advance for your heartfelt wishes. Know that as much as I appreciate you for your support, your words fall upon deaf ears. The amount of sadness I feel is currently the most I have ever felt in my life and I wish I could shake it. I ask God to take my feelings from me. It is not in his plan. What happened to me?

This year on my birthday, I received some pretty horrible news. My grandmother, also my best friend and longest confidant, died. She was revived and stayed in a coma-like state for awhile before waking up out of it. I took my boys back home as soon as I could, to be with her. Seeing her, this matriarch of my family, in such a fragile state was so hard for me. However, it was something I had to do. I can not bear the thought of not being with her. The road to her recovery was slow and she is completely confined to a wheel chair.

Sadly, It Got Worse

We all thought that was the worst of it. We were wrong. She was then diagnosed with Small Cell Lung Cancer. There are two stages of this cancer. One means treatment, the other means we are going to keep you comfortable. My grandma is treatable, thank you Lord. I have to share one thing with you all though. I am so glad my grandparents do not know how to Google. Here is a quick “note to self” lesson for everyone out there. Do NOT Google diseases, unless you can accept that you may be reading a death sentence.

So knowing what Google told me, I am having that much of a harder time accepting what is happening in my family. I try every day to stay focused on the positives. Chemo is going well, she only has one tumor, radiation is going good too. She isn’t super sick, still has her hair, is positive and in good spirits. Do you ever just feel like as much as you want to live in the good, you just can’t? I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Probably because I am waiting. Waiting for something else to come and break me down even more.

Military Blues Intensifies

Then it happened. I can’t exactly tell you what happened, but it goes like this. My husband was supposed to return from deployment one day and now may not be returning on that day. It shouldn’t seem like a really big deal, I mean it happens all the time. This time however, I am just that much more heartbroken. You see, I have been dealing with my every day life, and all the things going on with my best friend. All without my husband. He can’t come home because his wife’s grandmother died. His wife is a smoking hot mess and can’t stop crying. This is one time I absolutely hate my husband’s job. I hate the government for their stupid rules with family. I hate them for taking him away from me and keeping him away. You know when his wife, the one who supports her soldier always and makes due with what she is given, is just so traumatized.

I need him to take some of this heavy load off of me and he can’t. I am alone in my pain, alone in my tears, and alone in my life’s hardest to date disaster. I do not blame my sailor, it isn’t his fault. It isn’t the government’s fault for him choosing to fight for his country. As much as I hate, hate, hate their rules, I do understand that we have them for a reason. Even though, through the blackness of my tired eyes, I do not see it. Somehow, I believe that having my partner with me will be the call back to my normalcy. What if though, it isn’t? What then?

My Military Blues continues…  ~Amanda

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